Fuck.

Shit. Piss. Cunt. Bastard. Twat.

mindless cussing is sometimes fun.

I feel kind of dead. I think I've been feeling this way since late senior year of high school. Maybe early freshman year of college. Either way it sucks. You're most likely asking the screen something like; "where the fuck is means and what did this fag do with him?" I really don't blame you. Sometimes I even step back and I'm like; "I'm fucking loosing the edge and shit". Like, yesterday I stopped thinking for a minute about all the evil churning inside my head and just appreciated the sunset on my way home. I know, that's usually no biggie for most people but that's hella not like me. That was me seven years ago; free with the world ahead of me like an unwritten book waiting for me to find an ending.

That shit isn't me in the slightest now-a-days. But, it did happen. I think I left that peice of me somewhere between Connecticut and San Diego when I moved. I think I'm always running around trying to find it..that little part that lets you admire and appreciate. I felt it creeping back in tonight at MGM. I stopped caring for five minutes and just sipped my cranberry juice in peace as the world rioted around me. I wasn't feeling a need to be social nor a need to be a "cool bboy guy who sees this shit every day". I just kind of was doing my cranberry juice drinking thing. You know, being content and shit. I looked at a painting today and I always lost it. It reminded me of what I'm not. The really fucking crazy thing is that the things that bring the most reaction are the pictures from High school and college. I just seemed more together. I think it's guilt for what happened with Jenn B, Sarah K, Ali H, Michelle T and Kristy E. I got a lot left that I can't get rid of. I'm thinking of bartering with God for that piece of my I'm missing for all that guilt. Maybe he can do something productive with it.

Done with that diatribe. Wiggidy wiggidy.