I used to walk all alone..

...on the opposite side of the road.

I'm halfway home and I'm on my own.
I'm halfway there and I don't care.
It ain't my time.
I don't mind.
I'll be fine.

So, I've been hella introspective as of late. Not so much on this shitty blog but just on the daily as I go about humping out life.I used to think that I could just sit and wait for the right time. I've realized that I'll never get my shot unless I set myself to fail but give it my all just the same. I have so many opportunities to make good and get over but I feel that I'm here in between what's to come and what was. I keep holding on to the memories of past loves lost and fail to appreciate new starts. I'm on the computer hourly, constantly searching for some way to make sense of today yet unable to let go of past yesterdays. I'm writing for this journal, Trust Us. It's hella getting myself down on paper. You know, a real shot at letting my side get recognition. I can't hate on the opportunities represented by that option.

I mean, Tom is a dope cat and it's working out real well, our new business relationship. Granted that we still have yet to face the really tough shit. The censoring process-no editing so much as censoring really-and the inevitable expense of production and distribution is going to be hell on wheels and I'll most likely be rediculously burntout by the end of teh whole first issue but it's making sense for me and giving myself a way to get some of the hurt out. Really that's all that seems to make me really step up my game writing-wise; the whole internal hurting that we all mask with jovial consternation and almost forced levity. I just never have been good at dealing with it, I guess. I mean, this sounds hella weak sauce but, yeah, I'm hella fucked up inside sometimes. Sometimes I get ridiculously mad and start shit with people for no good reason and other times I just don't feel anything at all. No emotion, no nothing. I had to grow up real quick when I was younger.

I never had a dad even when I did have a dad but I don't think I can blame my fam for my fuck ups. Looking at the situation in a worldly light I figure there isn't a really reason why so much as there just is what is. Seeing shit in this light is a sad necessity for me. If I keep blaming people or times I'll just be missing the moment. I don't think there is a "why" at all in my instance. There just is what is. Nothing could have been different. Nothing could have gone any other way. I feel that right now is what IS and trying to understand that is as easy as looking at what's happening. What's happening is what all there is. I'm cool with that, I think. I just hope what will be is worth wading through what's happening right now because this shit is fucking tedious when you're going it alone.

Alright. Time to find Ms. Right-Now.